Search This Blog

Wednesday, October 12, 2011

OVERCOMERS

Revelation 2:26 
 26And he that overcometh, and keepeth my works unto the end, to him will I give power over the nations:


We sisters who have been through the trial, breast cancer treatment, are called 'Survivors', yes, but we who believe, are also 'Overcomers', and our reward is with the LORD.

I have had a mastectomy and the second round of chemo, I am finished with the 'treatments', and been deemed 'cancer free'.  Now, I am waiting for the 'clean up' (implants), but most importantly, I am waiting on the LORD, to see what He will do next in my life.  Now we will see what the LORD will do.  This has been all for His Glory.  I am not so vain that I am making plans, because like I tell my daughters, "If you want to make God smile, tell Him your plans", or like my daughter, Kathryn elaborates - "If you want to make God roll on the floor laughing, tell Him your plans".

When I started this journey back in January 2011, this is the Scripture that the LORD gave me -

John 11

 1Now a certain man was sick, named Lazarus, of Bethany, the town of Mary and her sister Martha.
 2(It was that Mary which anointed the Lord with ointment, and wiped his feet with her hair, whose brother Lazarus was sick.)
 3Therefore his sisters sent unto him, saying, Lord, behold, he whom thou lovest is sick.
 4When Jesus heard that, he said, This sickness is not unto death, but for the glory of God, that the Son of God might be glorified thereby.

So, now I can say - be glorified LORD, be glorified...

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

"...DWELL IN THE SHELTER OF THE MOST HIGH..."

Psalm 91

 1 Whoever dwells in the shelter of the Most High
   will rest in the shadow of the Almighty.[a]
2 I will say of the LORD, “He is my refuge and my fortress,
   my God, in whom I trust.”


Well, I found a home, after two years living all over the world with family, friends, and associates.  God is good.  I had looked at several senior citizens places, as I was considered a senior on my last birthday in June.  I had originally planned to retire out of the country - Belize was my last choice, if I did not make it to the Peace Corps.  Well, I did not get a chance to make that decision, I was diagnosed with cancer, and here I must stay.  But God - I am living in Greensboro, Georgia.  It turns out that this is where my family, on my mother's side of the family, originated.  Every other door was closed, and a window was opened here. 

I have made friends who suggested that I check out the Senior Center in Greensboro where I wanted to learn how to quilt.  I had no plans on joining, but like most of my plans, that was overturned.  I joined and started learning about quilting and mentioning that my great-grandmother was a midwife in the area fifty years ago.  One by one as I met and started talking to some of the seniors, I discovered women whose children were delivered by my great-grandmama, Annie Smith.  One of the Directors, also believed that she was delivered by my Grandma Annie. Then, by doing research on historic preservation projects, I discovered a program for African American historical research and resources.  Someone that I talked to there is going to check out Grandma Annie's house and help me in researching my great-grandmama.  I couldn't have planned it better if I tried. God is in control.

My new home is not a senior's apartment, but it is an affordable place with credit given for utilities and tax credit given to the landlord.  It is a townhouse, 2 bedrooms and 11/2 bath.  Enough space for a office/library, and guest room, so I guess I'll stay here for awhile. 

 
GOD IS GOOD - "...He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust."

Thursday, August 11, 2011

"...through the valley of the shadow of death..."

Psalm 23:4 Yes, though I walk through the [deep, sunless] valley of the shadow of death, I will fear or dread no evil, for You are with me; Your rod [to protect] and Your staff [to guide], they comfort me.

I have been fighting this battle, through Christ who is my strength, for over 6 months. Every pathology report up to this point has been negative from the original biopsy to the surgical report after the mastectomy.

But, God.  As I started the second round of chemo, the doctors sent me in for a PET scan.  I got the report a few days later.  They couldn't find any cancer anywhere in my body! 

The doctor reporting, who was suppose to be impartial, but I felt, there was some enthusiasm in that report.  He Stated - NO CANCER FOUND!

So as I declared in the beginning, but more importantly as God promised - I will not die but live....

Psalm 118:17 I shall not die but live, and shall declare the works and recount the illustrious acts of the Lord.

 I was only close to the shadow of death, not death itself, just the shadow.  Praise God, be encouraged.

Psalm 23  (AMP)


A Psalm of David.
 1THE LORD is my Shepherd [to feed, guide, and shield me], I shall not lack.     2He makes me lie down in [fresh, tender] green pastures; He leads me beside the still and restful waters.(A)
    3He refreshes and restores my life (my self); He leads me in the paths of righteousness [uprightness and right standing with Him--not for my earning it, but] for His name's sake.
    4Yes, though I walk through the [deep, sunless] valley of the shadow of death, I will fear or dread no evil, for You are with me; Your rod [to protect] and Your staff [to guide], they comfort me.
    5You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with [a]oil; my [brimming] cup runs over.
    6Surely or only goodness, mercy, and unfailing love shall follow me all the days of my life, and through the length of my days the house of the Lord [and His presence] shall be my dwelling place.

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

MY CASE MANAGER

I was thinking that there should be more case management in cancer treatment, that's just my opinion. 

I have learned alot about cancer treatment, been to several hospitals, talked to Social Workers, Navigators, and various organizations, but it would be nice if there were someone who knew my situation, followed me through and provided resources as I needed them. 

For instance, I was diagnosed with two different cancers, and one the doctors did not even know about until I asked them to also remove the right breast along with the left one.  They knew a cancer existed there, but they did not think cancer was in the right breast, but they followed my request and they did it.  It turned out that there was cancer in the right breast also.

Then when the Oncologist stated that my treatment would entail a chemo, Gemzar,  and also Herceptin, because the new cancer was a tumor that overexpress the HER2/neu protein.   I thought great.  They did a heart scan first because, Herceptin can affect the heart, and they wanted to be sure my heart could take it.  Everything was fine until Medicaid said Herceptin cannot be used in my situation, regardless of what the doctor recommends, and they denied treatment.  So my Oncologist recommended that I appeal.  So I'm contacting a legal aid attorney to have this done.  I don't know what I'm doing.

But it's all a learning process.  Learning to keep trusting God.  He knows how much I can bear.  A Social Worker asked me the other day if I were stressed or anxious about anything, such as my car broke down, I have to move and especially this cancer.  I thought about it, and I knew I should be stressed, but I'm not. 

It was then that I realized that God is my CASE MANAGER - I know He sends Angels to guide the surgeons hands, overlook my case, and the Holy Spirit comforts and counsels me, and then Jesus is the best Friend, Priest, Brother and Supporter anyone could have.  Jesus is my BFF...

It's all in His Hands.  I'm declaring that I will live and not die -

 IT'S PROMISED - I BELIEVE

LIFE ETERNAL - LIFE ABUNDANT

Sunday, July 10, 2011

NEXT STEPS...


THIS SHOULD BE AN INTERESTING WEEK, I have an outpatient procedure to put in another port on Wednesday.  Dr. Phillips, surgeon, took the port out when she did the bilateral mastectomy five weeks ago.  This is a simple procedure, but I am just getting over the mastectomy.  The plan is to start chemo again after the port is put in.  They will be using a third chemical, taxol.  The side effects are not suppose to be as bad.  My hair is just starting to grow back, but this chemical will probably stop growth, but supposedly the nausea will not be as bad.  The side effects were not all that bad the first time.  I just felt 'crappy' after the second treatment, I had the 'blahs' and was tired most of the time, although I did work some.  Feeling 'crappy'  doesn't sound nice, but that's the only way I can think to described it. I learned some ways to help in dealing with nausea, such as eating small portions, not drinking anything after eating, and not lying down, this was in order to allow my body to digest the food normally.  I'll add other tips in a side bar later.  But I also discovered that my taste buds were affected and my sense of smell, and so I didn't want to eat bland foods.  They didn't warn me of this.

I got a second opinion from another surgeon after my surgery, and he stated that the first round of chemo didn't appear to work that well because on the left side there was still a large tumor and the lymph nodes were affected, and they discovered another type of tumor on the right side.  It is still a matter of trusting God, because man, doctors, do not know it all.  I am requesting a pet scan to determine if the cancer has spread.  The surgeon could only say that he could not tell, only that it had spread to the lymph nodes, and a scan would tell if it has spread to other parts of my body.  So like I stated, only God knows.  I'm still praying for healing, a miracle, for what only God can do.
          Also, next week I will get the results of the braca test.  Because a new cancer, different type of cancer, was discovered on my right side, I qualified for the braca test.  This test usually costs around $3,000, and my medicaid plan originally would not pay for it.  But because of the new cancer, which suggests a genetic connection, they will pay for it.  The results of this test will indicate the course of treatment and may provide information for my other family members.
          In addition, I am looking for a new place to live, actually for a home.  Since my house was foreclosed in 2009, I have been living with friends, family and associates.  It will be nice to have my own place again.  I have always had my own home.  I was in my house for 10 years.  It was where I had raised and homeschooled my six children.  I guess I am not the only person in this situation.  But that doesn't make it any easier.  I plan to look into the housing situation for women going through cancer treatment.  It's difficult when you can't work, and have financial issues, in a hurting economy.  Trusting God...



Monday, July 4, 2011

BEING ALL THAT CHRIST HAS CALLED ME TO BE...

Yes, I am more than this cancer.  I have not put everything to the side while I go through treatment.
There are other things happening in my life - there is still the joy of my 11 month old, energetic, grandson, and trying to hold him and keep him entertained. There are times when I practically have to stand on my head to get a smile out of him, and he seems to say, "Ok mamu (that's what he will call me, when he can talk), I'll give you a smile."  But most of the time he is all too willing to play and laugh and communicate with his Mamu.



Also, I am still excited about writing children's books, and preparing writing projects for potential publishers, and then there is being aware of God's leading in various ministries. 

It's not over, life is still good...

Sunday, June 26, 2011

HINDS FEET....


Hinds feet on High Places - 

I've read this book many times. Each time I see myself a little further along, but not since the recent mastectomy, do I see myself at this point.  All my plans and goals for the peace corps and early child programs and retirements plans were silenced.

"Still there was silence, a silence as of the grave, for indeed she was in the grave of her own hopes and still without the promised hinds feet, still outside the High Places with even the promise to be laid down on the altar.  This was the place to which the long, heartbreaking journey had led her.  Yet just once more before she laid it down on the altar, Much-Afraid repeated the glorious promise which had been the cause of her starting for the High Places.  "The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet and he will make me to walk upon mine High Places.  To the chief singer on my stringed instruments: (Hab 3:19) Hinds feet... page 213.

'The priest put forth a hand of steel, right into her heart. There was a sound of rending and tearing, and the human love, with all it's myriad rootlets and fibers, came forth.'
He held it for a moment and then said, "Yes, it was ripe for removal, the time had come. There is not a rootlet torn or missing."

This is what Dr. Phillips told me when she described the removal of the margins around the tumor.

"...nothing but ashes remained, either of the love itself, which had been so deeply planted in her heart, or of the suffering and sorrow which had been her companions on that long, strange journey.  A sense of utter, overwhelming rest and peace engulfed Much-Afraid.  At last, the offering had been made and there was nothing left to be done.  When the priest had unbound her she leaned forward over the ashes on the altar and said with complete thanksgiving, 'It is finished.'... (Hinds feet...page 214).

It's done, nothing will ever be the same again, '...old things are passed away

Friday, June 17, 2011

EL SHADDAI - ALMIGHTY GOD - THE MANY BREASTED ONE

Well I've had the 'mastectomy', bilateral.  It's done...

A few days after I got home from the hospital, I finally looked in the mirror at the scars, head on.  They say that for the first time don't look in the mirror, but look at the scars by looking down, that way it won't be such a shock.  It was shocking.

I am now completely bald, with no breasts. I don't look like myself.  I don't look like a woman.  What went through my mind at first was that all that I had thought of myself, not only my body image, but who I am is gone.  Gone were my waist length locks. Gone were my full breasts.

For the first time I was really despondent and felt hopeless.

But God.  He reminded me that this was all outside trappings - the hair and boobs. What God has planned for me still stands, my destiny is in His Hands. 

God never changes, and who I am has not changed.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

"...He will make me to walk upon mine high places..."

HABAKKUK 3:19 The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet...



 
Lately I've been reading Hind's Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard - “...a beautiful allegory dramatizing the yearning of God's children to be led to new heights of love, joy, and victory.”
*
The story follows little 'Much-Afraid' on a spiritual journey she takes through difficult places with her two companions, Sorrow and Suffering. She overcomes her fears as she passes through many dangers and mounts at last to the High Places. In the High Places she gets a new name, from Much-Afraid to Grace and Glory, and she also learns the real names of her companions – Joy and Peace. She is transformed by her union with the the loving Shepherd, Jesus Christ.
*
But first she had to escape from her Fearing relatives (aspects of character) and go with the Shepherd to the High Places where “perfect love casteth out fear.” Her relatives were scattered all over the valley and she could never really escape from them. She was an orphan brought up in the home of her aunt, Mrs. Dismal Forebodings, with her two cousins Gloomy and Spiteful and their brother Craven Fear, who was a bully who tormented and persecuted her. Her relatives wanted her to marry her cousin Craven Fear. All of the Fearings hated the Chief Shepherd, and they hated that one of their own was in His service. Much-Afraid was terrified of her relatives and she never learned to resist or ignore their threats.
*
When she finally decided to follow the Shepard to the High places, still much afraid, her relatives followed her as far as they could, tormenting her all the way, until she reached her High Places, learned valuable lessons, and was able to resist them.
*
She learned four lessons on this journey -
-First, she learned that she must accept with joy all that the Sheperd allowed to happen to her on the way.
-Second, she learned that she must bear all that others were allowed to do against her and to forgive with no trace of bitterness.
-Third, she learned that the LORD never regarded her as she actually was, lame and weak and crooked and cowardly. He saw her as she would be when He had done what He promised and had brought her to the High Places.
-Fourth, she learned that every circumstance in life, no matter how crooked and distorted and ugly it appeared to be, if it is reacted to in love and forgiveness and obedience to God's will, it can be transformed. She learned that the LORD may purposely allow us to be brought into contact with the bad and evil things that He wants changed. Our purpose here is not just to bind evil, but whenever possible overcoming it with good.
*
The Sheperd told her that as long as she was willing to be 'Acceptance-with-Joy' and 'Bearing-in-Love', she would never again become crippled, and would be able to go wherever He would lead her.
*
I started reading this book about 20 years ago. There have been times over the years when I thought I was near my High Places, but have learned that I still have a ways to go. But recently I believe that I am close. My 'Fearing relatives' have upped the heat and persecutions. There have been times when my companions, Suffering and Sorrow, were all I saw and I didn't know how I would continue. But I am learning to accept whatever the LORD allows to happen to me, because He is in control of the good and the bad. To accept with joy because I am learning that it all is for my good, to get me to my 'High Places'. I am also learning to bear what others are allowed to do against me and to forgive with no bitterness, so that I can bring good out of evil.
Also, these “Fearing relatives” are related to to me, and they are also a part of me. It is a matter of being a witness to His Love and Power. A "Fearless Witness".
*
I think I am close. I am learning to overcome evil with good. I am learning that it not my will that is important, but God's will, and to forgive as God has forgiven me.

Habakkuk 3:18-19 (King James Version)
 18Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation.
 19The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places. To the chief singer on my stringed instruments.



Sunday, May 8, 2011

I AM MORE THAN A CONQUEROR (Romans 8:37)



I HAVE LITTLE FAMILY OR FRIEND SUPPORT THROUGH THIS BATTLE, BUT I GOT JESUS...

I hear other women tell about the support of their husbands, how they would stick by them, and support and assist them.  But I'm divorced. One women who had just finished chemo, told how her mother would fix her nutritious drinks.  Another told me how her sisters assisted her through it all.

I do have friends, and one friend in particular, who have given me positive help and prayers.  I thank God for them.

I am not feeling sorry for myself, well maybe just a little, but at times I feel like a boxer in the fight of my life. It's not just the cancer that I'm battling, but it's everything that could possibly keep me from being all that I was meant to be, according to God's purposes.

This is where faith comes.  Faith must be exercised.  I must believe in God even when I don't know what He is doing.  I must believe even when I hurt so bad, I don't know how I will go on.

I must trust in His love for me.

Sometimes I'm knocked down. I remember the days after the 2nd and 3rd chemo treatments, when I could barely get up from the bed. I blamed it on the treatments, they said it would make me tired, but I realized that it was really depression. This was hard to admit, because I considered myself a 'strong woman in God', that's what the t-shirt said. But there are times when we do get weak and get knocked down.


Then it would seem that satan was throwing everything, and everybody, at me to keep me down.  This would also remind me that God must have some big plans for me, more than I could ask or imagine, otherwise why would satan be fighting me so hard.  I had forgotten who I was in Christ. I would remember, and would recite positive affirmations (with lots of prayer, praise and reading the Word) -

'I am strong in the Lord and in the Power of His might.' (Ephesians 6:10)
'I am getting all my needs met by Jesus.' (Philippians 4:19)
'I am healed by His stripes (1Peter 2:24)
'I am more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37)
'I am an overcomer by the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony.' (Revelation 12:11)
'I am walking by faith and not by sight.'(2Corinthians 5:7)
'I am bringing every thought into captivity.' (2 Corinthians 10:5)
'I am being transformed by the renewing of my mind.' (Romans 12:1-2)
'I am more than a conqueror.' (Romans 8:37)
'I am freee!!!' (John 8:36)
'I am sanctified.' (1 Cor. 6:11)
'I am healed!!!' (1 Peter 2:24)
'I am Victorious !!!' (1 John 5:4)

JESUS HAS ALREADY OVERCOME...
======================================================



Monday, April 25, 2011

Loss of Hair

Well, I was able to get a wig soon after I lost my hair.  Although 'lost hair' may not be accurate because I took my locks and put them in a plastic bag, so I know where they are, they are not 'lost'.  The plan is to have them reattached when my hair starts to grow back. This is how I started my locks seven years ago.  Two of my daughters discovered how to attach and twist synthetic hair to my little hair by using glue and other maneuvers.  It really looked natural, and with a few reattachments, after a year, my locks were at my shoulders, and I missed that awkward phase of getting my locks to 'lock'.  I never called them 'dreds' because there was nothing 'dreadful' about my locks.  You see it was never a political statement, but a lifestyle decision.

But then again, I may go in an entirely different direction when this is over. Time will tell.  I just need to concentrate on finishing chemo, then surgery, followed by radiation therapy.

But overall I have felt ok.  I'm old so it's hard to tell if the aches and pains I'm experiencing are due to the chemo or age.  Another remarkable side effect is how smooth my skin feels.  I guess this is because of the lack of hair plus my skin is dry.  But it feels like baby's skin, all over.

I can't complain...


Saturday, March 26, 2011

KEEPING MY EYES ON THE GOAL

FINALLY LOST MY HAIR

A week after my second chemo treatment, what I had feared happened.  I lost my locks.  I was trying from the beginning of this journey not to appear vain about losing my waist length hair.  The Bible says that a woman's hair is her glory, but I was reminded that Christ should be my glory and to count it all lost - my hair, degrees, family, friends, life experiences - I give it all away to know Christ and share in His suffering,  "...so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him..." This is easy to say, but not so easy to do, only through Christ.

 

Philippians 3:8-15 (The Message)


 7-9The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I'm tearing up and throwing out with the trash—along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him. I didn't want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ—God's righteousness.
 10-11I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself. If there was any way to get in on the resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it.
Focused on the Goal
 12-14I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.  15-16So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it.