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Sunday, June 26, 2011

HINDS FEET....


Hinds feet on High Places - 

I've read this book many times. Each time I see myself a little further along, but not since the recent mastectomy, do I see myself at this point.  All my plans and goals for the peace corps and early child programs and retirements plans were silenced.

"Still there was silence, a silence as of the grave, for indeed she was in the grave of her own hopes and still without the promised hinds feet, still outside the High Places with even the promise to be laid down on the altar.  This was the place to which the long, heartbreaking journey had led her.  Yet just once more before she laid it down on the altar, Much-Afraid repeated the glorious promise which had been the cause of her starting for the High Places.  "The Lord God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet and he will make me to walk upon mine High Places.  To the chief singer on my stringed instruments: (Hab 3:19) Hinds feet... page 213.

'The priest put forth a hand of steel, right into her heart. There was a sound of rending and tearing, and the human love, with all it's myriad rootlets and fibers, came forth.'
He held it for a moment and then said, "Yes, it was ripe for removal, the time had come. There is not a rootlet torn or missing."

This is what Dr. Phillips told me when she described the removal of the margins around the tumor.

"...nothing but ashes remained, either of the love itself, which had been so deeply planted in her heart, or of the suffering and sorrow which had been her companions on that long, strange journey.  A sense of utter, overwhelming rest and peace engulfed Much-Afraid.  At last, the offering had been made and there was nothing left to be done.  When the priest had unbound her she leaned forward over the ashes on the altar and said with complete thanksgiving, 'It is finished.'... (Hinds feet...page 214).

It's done, nothing will ever be the same again, '...old things are passed away

Friday, June 17, 2011

EL SHADDAI - ALMIGHTY GOD - THE MANY BREASTED ONE

Well I've had the 'mastectomy', bilateral.  It's done...

A few days after I got home from the hospital, I finally looked in the mirror at the scars, head on.  They say that for the first time don't look in the mirror, but look at the scars by looking down, that way it won't be such a shock.  It was shocking.

I am now completely bald, with no breasts. I don't look like myself.  I don't look like a woman.  What went through my mind at first was that all that I had thought of myself, not only my body image, but who I am is gone.  Gone were my waist length locks. Gone were my full breasts.

For the first time I was really despondent and felt hopeless.

But God.  He reminded me that this was all outside trappings - the hair and boobs. What God has planned for me still stands, my destiny is in His Hands. 

God never changes, and who I am has not changed.