"...He will make me to walk upon mine high places..."

HABAKKUK 3:19 The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet...

 
Lately I've been reading Hind's Feet on High Places by Hannah Hurnard - “...a beautiful allegory dramatizing the yearning of God's children to be led to new heights of love, joy, and victory.”
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The story follows little 'Much-Afraid' on a spiritual journey she takes through difficult places with her two companions, Sorrow and Suffering. She overcomes her fears as she passes through many dangers and mounts at last to the High Places. In the High Places she gets a new name, from Much-Afraid to Grace and Glory, and she also learns the real names of her companions – Joy and Peace. She is transformed by her union with the the loving Shepherd, Jesus Christ.
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But first she had to escape from her Fearing relatives (aspects of character) and go with the Shepherd to the High Places where “perfect love casteth out fear.” Her relatives were scattered all over the valley and she could never really escape from them. She was an orphan brought up in the home of her aunt, Mrs. Dismal Forebodings, with her two cousins Gloomy and Spiteful and their brother Craven Fear, who was a bully who tormented and persecuted her. Her relatives wanted her to marry her cousin Craven Fear. All of the Fearings hated the Chief Shepherd, and they hated that one of their own was in His service. Much-Afraid was terrified of her relatives and she never learned to resist or ignore their threats.
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When she finally decided to follow the Shepard to the High places, still much afraid, her relatives followed her as far as they could, tormenting her all the way, until she reached her High Places, learned valuable lessons, and was able to resist them.
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She learned four lessons on this journey -
-First, she learned that she must accept with joy all that the Sheperd allowed to happen to her on the way.
-Second, she learned that she must bear all that others were allowed to do against her and to forgive with no trace of bitterness.
-Third, she learned that the LORD never regarded her as she actually was, lame and weak and crooked and cowardly. He saw her as she would be when He had done what He promised and had brought her to the High Places.
-Fourth, she learned that every circumstance in life, no matter how crooked and distorted and ugly it appeared to be, if it is reacted to in love and forgiveness and obedience to God's will, it can be transformed. She learned that the LORD may purposely allow us to be brought into contact with the bad and evil things that He wants changed. Our purpose here is not just to bind evil, but whenever possible overcoming it with good.
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The Sheperd told her that as long as she was willing to be 'Acceptance-with-Joy' and 'Bearing-in-Love', she would never again become crippled, and would be able to go wherever He would lead her.
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I started reading this book about 20 years ago. There have been times over the years when I thought I was near my High Places, but have learned that I still have a ways to go. But recently I believe that I am close. My 'Fearing relatives' have upped the heat and persecutions. There have been times when my companions, Suffering and Sorrow, were all I saw and I didn't know how I would continue. But I am learning to accept whatever the LORD allows to happen to me, because He is in control of the good and the bad. To accept with joy because I am learning that it all is for my good, to get me to my 'High Places'. I am also learning to bear what others are allowed to do against me and to forgive with no bitterness, so that I can bring good out of evil.
Also, these “Fearing relatives” are related to to me, and they are also a part of me. It is a matter of being a witness to His Love and Power. A "Fearless Witness".
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I think I am close. I am learning to overcome evil with good. I am learning that it not my will that is important, but God's will, and to forgive as God has forgiven me.

Habakkuk 3:18-19 (King James Version)
 18Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation.
 19The LORD God is my strength, and he will make my feet like hinds' feet, and he will make me to walk upon mine high places. To the chief singer on my stringed instruments.

I AM MORE THAN A CONQUEROR (Romans 8:37)

I HAVE LITTLE FAMILY OR FRIEND SUPPORT THROUGH THIS BATTLE, BUT I GOT JESUS...

I hear other women tell about the support of their husbands, how they would stick by them, and support and assist them.  But I'm divorced. One women who had just finished chemo, told how her mother would fix her nutritious drinks.  Another told me how her sisters assisted her through it all.

I do have friends, and one friend in particular, who have given me positive help and prayers.  I thank God for them.

I am not feeling sorry for myself, well maybe just a little, but at times I feel like a boxer in the fight of my life. It's not just the cancer that I'm battling, but it's everything that could possibly keep me from being all that I was meant to be, according to God's purposes.

This is where faith comes.  Faith must be exercised.  I must believe in God even when I don't know what He is doing.  I must believe even when I hurt so bad, I don't know how I will go on.

I must trust in His love for me.

Sometimes I'm knocked down. I remember the days after the 2nd and 3rd chemo treatments, when I could barely get up from the bed. I blamed it on the treatments, they said it would make me tired, but I realized that it was really depression. This was hard to admit, because I considered myself a 'strong woman in God', that's what the t-shirt said. But there are times when we do get weak and get knocked down.

Then it would seem that satan was throwing everything, and everybody, at me to keep me down.  This would also remind me that God must have some big plans for me, more than I could ask or imagine, otherwise why would satan be fighting me so hard.  I had forgotten who I was in Christ. I would remember, and would recite positive affirmations (with lots of prayer, praise and reading the Word) -

'I am strong in the Lord and in the Power of His might.' (Ephesians 6:10)
'I am getting all my needs met by Jesus.' (Philippians 4:19)
'I am healed by His stripes (1Peter 2:24)
'I am more than a conqueror (Romans 8:37)
'I am an overcomer by the blood of the Lamb and the word of my testimony.' (Revelation 12:11)
'I am walking by faith and not by sight.'(2Corinthians 5:7)
'I am bringing every thought into captivity.' (2 Corinthians 10:5)
'I am being transformed by the renewing of my mind.' (Romans 12:1-2)
'I am more than a conqueror.' (Romans 8:37)
'I am freee!!!' (John 8:36)
'I am sanctified.' (1 Cor. 6:11)
'I am healed!!!' (1 Peter 2:24)
'I am Victorious !!!' (1 John 5:4)

JESUS HAS ALREADY OVERCOME...
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Loss of Hair

Well, I was able to get a wig soon after I lost my hair.  Although 'lost hair' may not be accurate because I took my locks and put them in a plastic bag, so I know where they are, they are not 'lost'.  The plan is to have them reattached when my hair starts to grow back. This is how I started my locks seven years ago.  Two of my daughters discovered how to attach and twist synthetic hair to my little hair by using glue and other maneuvers.  It really looked natural, and with a few reattachments, after a year, my locks were at my shoulders, and I missed that awkward phase of getting my locks to 'lock'.  I never called them 'dreds' because there was nothing 'dreadful' about my locks.  You see it was never a political statement, but a lifestyle decision.

But then again, I may go in an entirely different direction when this is over. Time will tell.  I just need to concentrate on finishing chemo, then surgery, followed by radiation therapy.

But overall I have felt ok.  I'm old so it's hard to tell if the aches and pains I'm experiencing are due to the chemo or age.  Another remarkable side effect is how smooth my skin feels.  I guess this is because of the lack of hair plus my skin is dry.  But it feels like baby's skin, all over.

I can't complain...

KEEPING MY EYES ON THE GOAL

FINALLY LOST MY HAIR

A week after my second chemo treatment, what I had feared happened.  I lost my locks.  I was trying from the beginning of this journey not to appear vain about losing my waist length hair.  The Bible says that a woman's hair is her glory, but I was reminded that Christ should be my glory and to count it all lost - my hair, degrees, family, friends, life experiences - I give it all away to know Christ and share in His suffering,  "...so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him..." This is easy to say, but not so easy to do, only through Christ.

 

Philippians 3:8-15 (The Message)

 ^7-9The very credentials these people are waving around as something special, I'm tearing up and throwing out with the trash—along with everything else I used to take credit for. And why? Because of Christ. Yes, all the things I once thought were so important are gone from my life. Compared to the high privilege of knowing Christ Jesus as my Master, firsthand, everything I once thought I had going for me is insignificant—dog dung. I've dumped it all in the trash so that I could embrace Christ and be embraced by him. I didn't want some petty, inferior brand of righteousness that comes from keeping a list of rules when I could get the robust kind that comes from trusting Christ—God's righteousness.
 ^10-11I gave up all that inferior stuff so I could know Christ personally, experience his resurrection power, be a partner in his suffering, and go all the way with him to death itself. If there was any way to get in on the resurrection from the dead, I wanted to do it.

Focused on the Goal

 ^12-14I'm not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don't get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I've got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I'm off and running, and I'm not turning back.  ^15-16So let's keep focused on that goal, those of us who want everything God has for us. If any of you have something else in mind, something less than total commitment, God will clear your blurred vision—you'll see it yet! Now that we're on the right track, let's stay on it.